All I Have to Do is Dream

Hold fast to dreams
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.
Hold fast to dreams
For when dreams go
Life is a barren field
Frozen with snow.

That is my favorite poem, penned many years ago by the wonderful Langston Hughes.  I think it speaks to me because it is how I live my life- clinging to dreams and making sure that my field doesn’t become, you know, barren and frozen and stuff.  However, right now I am sorry to say that I am dreamless. I have nothing to dream about right now, and it’s definitely giving me pause. I don’t mean I’m not dreaming when I sleep (don’t you go crazy when that happens?); I still have totally whackadoodle dreams of the nocturnal variety and enjoy the heck out of analyzing them when I wake up. No, what I mean is that I have nothing about which to day dream, to fantasize in the here-and-now.

Now some people will be shaking their heads at this, wondering how on earth I can be whining about having everything so damn perfect in my life that I have nothing left to want for. Um…no. That’s not what I’m saying at all. Don’t get me wrong; my life right now is so far better than it has been in ages that even I am a little disgusted at myself for complaining about this. But truth be told, it is a big deal for me to not have anything or anyone to jones after, and it’s having a definite deleterious effect on my life!

Since I was a wee girl, I have put myself to sleep at night by telling myself stories, in effect fantasizing. But we’re not talking “Three Bears” or even “Wendy Does…um, Walla Walla” here. I come up with a scenario of some sort that I want to happen and in elaborate and vivid detail, I play it out in my head. These can last for as short as one night or literally for months and months. I’ve always done it; it really is the only way I know how to fall asleep. And, okay, I will confess that a good number of these fantasies *do* revolve around whomever I’m into at the moment, be it a celebrity (Matthew Morrison was featured prominently for a while) or someone I have a crush on, though to be honest, right now there are more folks in the “people I should not be fantasizing about” category.

But here’s the thing- the scenario is always something that could actually happen. Now I am sure even those among you who think I’m cute as a button are going, “Right, Wen. Like you could nail Matt Morrison. In your…er, dreams!” And, you’re probably right. But I can set up a scenario (my journalist friend has to do a “Glee” set interview and brings me along), a reason for us to meet (the craft services line, where I impress him with my foodie knowledge), a reason for us to continue talking (I mention that I was the teacher who, at the Paley Festival, asked him who inspired him), a reason for him to want to see me off set (he wants me to teach him how I make my awesome panzanella) and from there, well, let’s just fade to a nice, safe black shall we? However, I basically could not keep deluding myself that Matt and I were going to meet up much less hook up, particularly when I saw the kinds of girls with whom he keeps company.

And like I said, most of the time these fantasies revolve around someone I know, and right now there is just nobody I can/should be thinking that way about. SO…what am I left with? I have tried dreaming about jobs, but considering my current unemployed status and how much I love teaching, coming up with awesome curricular ideas is just torturing myself. I have tried designing jewelry in my head, but I’m so visual with that particular hobby that I just give myself a headache trying to precisely picture what I might be making. Oh, and you’ll love this: I tried blogging in my head the other night, but that just made me hop out of bed at 1:00 AM so that I could jot stuff down and not forget it. Kind of counterproductive, right? And I’m still not getting to the root of the problem here: I have nothing to wish for, nothing to hope for, nothing to dream about.  My bird is definitely hobbled.

I would love to end this post with something pithy and wise, but honestly- I’ve got nothing. I’m having trouble sleeping, I’m unhappy about my lack of passion for my life overall right now (though I can’t complain about the contentment factor!), and I am not enjoying having nobody in particular drift across my mental storyboard. But, this has given me the opportunity to turn it back around to you, my friends and readers: what do you dream about? What fantasies feed your emotional well-being? Oh, and I’ll leave it up to you as to how naughty you want to make it, but keep in mind that my mom and my kids may be reading this. Alternately, if you’re not comfortable sharing your innermost secrets with my reading public (but hey! We don’t judge here at It’s a Wendyful Life!), tell us how you fall asleep at night.