Death of a Friendship

“Friendship is love with understanding.” That’s a fortune (from a long-ago consumed cookie) that sits on my desk at home. I contemplate this little bon mot with fair regularity, going back and forth as to whether or not it’s true. In my mind, love is sort of friendship *plus*- friendship with that added, ineffable something that makes it extra-special. But this statement implies that it’s actually friendship that has an added ingredient- understanding. So is that to say that we don’t have to understand our loves to the same degree as we do our friends? Or is it saying that because with love we already have bonus components (physical attraction, nesting, whatever), understanding is the thing that makes friendship special in its own right? I don’t have an answer to this…

I’ve actually been writing this post in my head since I decided to create a blog. Those of you who know me (and that’s most of you, though since Ben Nadel so kindly linked to my blog in a post last night - The Girl Who Broke My Heart, And Made Me a Better Person -some of you may not know me at all. Welcome! – but don’t be looking for ColdFusion programming stuff here; it’s all my kids, cooking, books, movies, and emotional stuff) know that being a good friend is one of the most important things in the world to me, right behind being a good mother and a good teacher (and these days, since I’m not working, it’s getting second-billing). But it seems particularly fitting to be writing this blog from my hotel room in NYC, home to the only two friendships I can honestly say I killed or did my best to cause to expire (hence the title of this post). No, it wasn’t a side effect of the cold, cold city; in both cases, it was wholly my own bad judgment and a rarely-demonstrated totally self-serving side to my personality. I have ended quite a few friendships in my life, because of disagreements over fundamental ways of being or because I recognized that the friendships were too unidirectional or unhealthy for me in some way. But these two friendships I am going to tell you about are the only times I can recall where I truly, truly regret my actions and their aftermath- the demise or critical injury to a friendship I should have valued and cherished more.

I actually ran into both of the other parties involved in these friendships this weekend, oddly enough. The first is a story some of you will know, having had to stay neutral in the bloody aftermath of the friendship fallout. Without going into too much excruciating detail, E. and I were inseparable for several years during the Buffy days. A few of our mutual friends marveled that two women with such big, strong personalities could be so close and not try to constantly steal the spotlight from each other. But there was such a core of genuine caring, honest affection, and a feeling of having someone who actually *got* me/her that it overrode any of the more petty, competitive feelings which might have arisen. At least, it did for a while. And then, of course, a guy entered the mix and all bets were off. This person (and in his case, I think I use the term fairly loosely) had nothing but his own agenda in the forefront and if actively playing E. and me off of each other fed his ego, advanced his means, and got him what he wanted…well, what was wrong with that? But let me be brutally honest here- this was MY fault, not his. I didn’t have to let him urge me to talk trash about E. or to try to manipulate me into dealing with her in a way which was disrespectful of both her professional standing and our friendship. I actively allowed myself to be encouraged to behave in that way, and though I will say that E.’s response was similarly unkind and self-serving, you have to keep in mind that she was being equally manipulated by this Machiavellian character on her end. It took me a while to recognize that this was my doing and that continuing to finger-point at him was weak and would deprive me of the one positive thing I could take away from this: learning from my mistake. But here’s the part that still kills me: I learned! I recognized what I’d done wrong, I worked it all through, and I apologized. I accepted the total blame I owned, and I asked to be forgiven. I wasn’t. E. and I have seen each other from time to time (including Friday night) since we still have many mutual friends, and she has always been very affable and appropriate…but it’s not the same, and the few times in the more recent past that I have reached out to her she hasn’t responded. I understand that; it’s certainly in her best interest not to trust someone who let her down so horribly in the past. But when we were sitting together chatting on Friday and started completing each other’s sentences the way we used to when we were friends…well, I was struck full in the face by how much I’d lost. Regret is a terrible thing.

And that brings me to the other friendship I mentioned earlier. That one is on life support right now, and extreme measures have been taken to try to save it…but to be honest, I’m not sure that’s going to happen; and it’s probably going to be a long, long time until there actually is a definitive answer. Interestingly, this paragraph probably would have looked a lot different had I not totally serendipitously run into this person on the street a couple of hours ago; we had a perfectly normal, friendly conversation about all of the stuff we used to talk about when we were talking more regularly (and in spite of the fact that we didn’t plan on seeing each other while I was in town). Unlike with E., I had much more of a sense that this was something that *could* be repaired, saved, maybe even made better given time and – most difficult for me- some patience. I know some of you reading this who know what I’m talking about are shaking your heads right now and silently cursing my total lack of self-protection, but sometimes you just have to believe that *I* actually know what I’m doing where I am concerned (sometimes ;-). Friends are the mirror through which we see our own best reflection, and when you meet someone who reflects back on you a version of yourself that is so close to your ideal, it’s worth taking a few hits to the gut (and heart) to stick with it.

There are myriad quotes about friendship, from Sun-Tzu’s “Keep your friends close and your enemies closer” (dangerous and not really all that pleasant) to Aristotle’s “What is a friend? A single soul in two bodies” (romantic and existential, but more of a statement on love in my opinion). But this is one of my favorites (and not just because I said it ;): A friend will tell you what you want to hear; a good friend will tell you what you don’t want to hear. So, friends, let me hear it – what does friendship (ours and any others on which you care to comment) mean to you?

The Lady who Lunches

So, yesterday P.B. (pre-blog) I posted on Facebook and Twitter about the fact that I made some oven-roasted tomatoes (and some unexpectedly candied bacon, but that doesn't figure into this blog). They did not come out looking as uniformly beautiful as Ina Garten's did (nor did they seem to dejuicify as much as hers did, but I was kind of lazy about taking the seeds out...and hello? I don't have a gazillion assistants and a house on the Hamptons and the world's most successful catering business and a really sweet husband who lives just to praise my food...er, where was I?). However, they taste pretty yummy, albeit a bit sweet.
Today, I put them on one of my useful-but-fairly tasteless Pepperidge Farm Deli Flats, added a couple ounces of fresh mozzarella, and a few leaves of basil - essentially Ina's Roasted Tomato Caprese (recipe below) offended by its bready base (my kingdom for low-cal ciabatta)!
I then FINALLY got around to making some low-cal cole slaw, a food which I crave in summer the same way I crave tomatoes, basil, mozzarella, grilled corn, (barely) grilled tuna and kisses from James Franco (hey, a girl can dream). Didn't follow any recipe, just winged it... and had I not tried to get cute, it would have been awesome. By "get cute" I mean, "Add black sea salt because those little flecks of black will look so great in between the pale green cabbage and vibrant orange carrots and creamy white dressing." Kids, do you know how black sea salt GETS black? They *dye* it black. And do you know what happens when you mix black dye with creamy white dressing? (there WILL be a quiz later, so pay attention) You get something that looks very much like New York City gutter runoff. Not so great-looking mixed in with the pretty cabbage-n-carrot mix. Sigh... ANYWAY, added a few tablespoons of peanuts because I used to love when my mom did that when I was little, and I have a very unattractive but nevertheless tasty and healthy cole slaw to pick at for the week. Recipe below.
Oh, and just kidding about the quiz. ;)

Ina Garten's Roasted Tomato Caprese Salad - serves 6ish
12 plum tomatoes, halved lengthwise, seeds but not cores removed
1/4 c. virgin olive oil + some extra for drizzling
1 1/2 tbsp. balsamic vinegar
2 large cloves garlic *Note* - I used like 3x this much. :)
2 tsp. sugar
Salt and pepper
1 lb. fresh mozzarella
12 fresh basil leaves chiffonade'd

Preheat oven to 275 degrees F (yes, that low. It's not a typo).
Arrange the tomatoes cut side up and not touching each other. Drizzle the olive oil and balsamico evenly over the tomatoes, and sprinkle with the salt, pepper, garlic, and sugar. Roast for 2 hours (yes, that's long. It's still not a typo) until the tomatoes shrink down and caramelize. Allow them to cool completely before using.
Cut the mozzarella balls into slices/half slices (*Note*: Ovoline are about the size of a baby's fist and often come in containers with 2 4-oz balls, so two of these containers would work great if each ball were sliced into thirds and then those slices halved). On a platter, alternate slices of mozzarella with the tomatoes and scatter the basil chiffonade over the top. Drizzle with a little more olive oil (if you think it needs it), salt and pepper.


Wendy's Cole Slaw - serves 12ish
1 package (~10 oz) sliced cabbage (mix of green and purple looks best)
1 package (~8 oz) grated carrots
1/2 sweet onion, thinly sliced
1/4 c mayonnaise (I recommend canola or olive oil-based)
1/2 c non-fat Greek-style yogurt
White vinegar
salt (NOT BLACK) and pepper to taste
1/4 c roasted peanuts (optional)

Mix veggies in a big bowl. In a smaller, separate bowl thoroughly mix the mayo and the yogurt. Drizzle in a little (less than a 1/4 c) white vinegar until the mixture takes on a dressing-like consistency. Add the dressing to the veggies and mix thoroughly. Add salt and pepper to taste and, if you like, throw those goobers in the mix! Alternately, save the peanuts for topping your slaw when you serve it; they'll be less well-integrated, but they'll retain more of their crunch.

If you try either of these, I'd love to hear how they turned out! Enjoy!

It's a Brand New Day

Well here I go, enter the blogosphere. As if Facebook and Twitter and texting and IMing and MySpace (I think I still have an account there) and LiveJournal (which, frankly, I just follow rather than post at) weren't enough of me on the internets, for some odd reason I feel the need to create yet another space to share my thoughts.

In all seriousness, I miss writing. I miss putting down on paper, as it were, my thoughts in more than 140 characters. I miss thinking about what I'm going to say, saying it, and then tinkering with those thoughts. I miss the process of processing. So, blogging. Yup.

Please bear with me for the next little bit of time while I get used to all of the permutations of Blogger and blogging. And if you have any suggestions about what I can do to make my page look spankier or how to add useful gadgets or whatnot, PLEASE by all means comment!