To err is human; to forgive, divine

Today is Yom Kippur, the Jewish Day of Atonement. In addition to fasting (not as a punishment but as a way to focus one’s thoughts), Jews are supposed to ask for forgiveness from G’d and from those whom we’ve wronged in the past year.  During the Yom Kippur service (which I am choosing not to attend for reasons not worth going into here), there are two alphabetically-organized prayers which focus specifically on this latter aspect – the Ashamnu and the Al Chet. These are traditionally written in the first-person plural (the “we”), thereby acknowledging the collective nature of our sins, but I am going to create my own using the first-person singular as I want to personally accept responsibility for what I have done wrong and on what I want to improve, in the year to come. Even if you don’t see in here something I’ve done or said to you which begs forgiveness, please accept my apology and know that I will be working on doing better in the year to come.

Please forgive me, for I am/was…

Apathetic.  I could have done more to act on what I know needed doing, and I chose not to.

Belligerent. There were many times when I picked a fight or went looking for a disagreement when merely holding my tongue or trying to find common ground would have been a better course.

Cavalier. I took for granted the good things in my life and didn’t work harder to be mindful of them.

Dismissive. You told me something was important to you, or you asked for my help, and I didn’t give it the time, thought, or effort it deserved.

Emotional. I overreacted to something you said or did, and made the situation worse.

Flippant. I responded with humor or sarcasm when a serious issue was raised.

Grumpy. I was in a bad mood and took it out on you even though you were not to blame.

Hot-headed. I lost my temper and lashed out at you when you were really not what I was angry or upset with at all.

Insensitive. I didn’t think about how my words or actions might affect you.

Jealous. I envied what you had and wished that I had it.

Kill-joy. I took things too seriously and forgot that sometimes just enjoying the moment or another person’s existence is enough.

Lazy. I didn’t do what I said I’d do or I did a mediocre job because I couldn’t be bothered to put forth the necessary effort.

Manipulative. I used words or actions specifically to get a certain reaction out of you rather than being genuine and direct.

Needy. I know you are busy and I know you can't spend all day talking to me or answering my emails or addressing my issues. I should have thought about you more and me less. 

Obstinate. I chose not to see your side of our disagreement and refused to back down from my own position in any way.

Passive-aggressive. I didn’t say what I really thought or felt; rather than dealing with you directly, I tried to emotionally manipulate the situation.

Querulous. I complained about minor inconveniences or issues rather than looking at the overall good in my life.

Reactive. I acted or spoke before I thought.

Sarcastic. I didn’t think about how my words might affect you, only about how cleverly I was using them.

Temperamental. I was moody and mercurial when I could have worked harder to keep an even keel.

Unmindful. I overlooked or ignored all of the blessings in my life and took them for granted.

Venomous. I was malicious or vicious in my choice of words or actions and acted specifically to cause you harm.

Waffling. I made decisions I knew were difficult but good for me but then backed off of them in favor or doing what was easier in the short run.

eX. I was not patient or kind to you and chose to let issues which should have been let go of long ago color my treatment of and behavior towards you.

Yammering. I talked on and on or pestered you in some form of communication and didn’t even think about whether or not you wanted to communicate right then.

Zoned out. You were talking to me or reading me something that was important to you and I didn’t listen or focused on something else.

They Say It's Your Birthday

I don’t know what the heck was going on in Decembers past (probably the same thing that goes on every December: it’s cold so what the heck else are you going to do?), but I know an inordinate number of people with September birthdays.  And several of these people are important enough to me that I want to let them- and all of you-know just how incredible I think they are.

Jenn Taylor (Sept. 9): Jenn has one of the most beautiful, open hearts of anyone you could ever hope to meet.  Her life has been anything but easy, and she has struggled valiantly against internal and external forces that would have made a lesser person lose her sweet and open demeanor. Jenn is somewhat of a changeling – a foodie who lives in a part of the country not generally given to expansive gourmet tastes; a woman who is not afraid to travel halfway across the country to spend time with friends she met on the internet even when most of the people who live near her have never even left their county.  Jenn is shortly about to embark on an even greater adventure: she’s getting married next week. Nobody deserves a storybook wedding (with fried chicken ;), a lifetime of happiness, or having all of her dreams come true more than Jenn does.

Leila Varzideh (Sept. 12): Leila and I often joke that we balance out the world.  I am an open book, a bleeding heart, the one who will run her head into the brick wall again and again hoping for a different result; Leila is a look before she leaps, take no prisoners, fool her once and  you aren’t going to live long enough to think “Shame on me” kinda gal. She’s also fiercely loyal, unabashed in her devotion to her friends and her family and her totally awesome guy, Julio. Quite simply, there is nothing Leila wouldn’t do for a friend. Leila has weathered some pretty challenging life circumstances (a common trait in many of the people I care about), but rather than letting these make her resentful or wistful for days gone by they just served to strengthen Leila’s resolve to find a way to make her life and the lives of those she loves, better.  Though I am more than twenty years older than Leila, I’d like to be more like her when I grown up.

Andrea Danek (Sept. 16): The funniest part of Andrea’s and my friendship is what actually brought us together, namely a guy…well, maybe “snake” would be a more accurate term.  Both of us had been, you will pardon the expression, royally screwed over by the same soulless bastard (Andrea personally and me financially), and initially we bonded over that… but our friendship has grown into so much more! Andrea has the most expansive mind and spirit of anyone I’ve ever met; there is no idea she is not open to at least examining, no approach to a problem (particularly those that challenge the body and the soul) she won’t consider, no solution that seems too difficult to enact. Andrea is an amazingly adept listener, as well; when you tell her your troubles, not only do you feel that you’re truly being heard but you also have that strong sense that a problem shared is one lessened.  When my life took that sudden dramatic shift 18 months ago, Andrea was one of the people I leaned on a lot. And rather than resent or even just stoically accept this, Andrea commented that in a way she was glad things had changed as it had made me far more accessible to my other friends. Talk about a blessing!

Ben Nadel (Sept. 21): Ben is both the person on this list whom I’ve known the longest and my most recent friend, but he’s made a tremendous impact on my life in a very short period of time.  While I know that his basically very humble nature will downplay this, Ben is really responsible for my renewed love of reading and writing; his dedication to these things and encouragement of me to pursue them was definitively the driving force behind my picking them up again.  And that’s what Ben does best- encourage. He might deny it, but ask anybody in his field and they will tell you that Ben is the rock star of ColdFusion programming, not only because he is exceptionally skilled at coding but because he is tireless in his devotion to helping his fellow programmers improve and problem-solve and build upon their love for what I cannot argue (since I know little about it) is the best computer programming language around. One of Ben’s other great passions is movies, and it now feels like I haven’t truly seen a movie unless I talk to him about it afterwards.  And speaking of talking, there isn’t anyone else I have ever met who is willing to dig deeply into a philosophical topic and really pull it apart the way Ben will; he’s not only a deep thinker, he constantly challenges me to examine why I feel a certain way and how I came to that particular place mentally. But the thing I like best about Ben is actually rather selfish: quite simply, I’m a better person with him in my life than I am without him. He is bananas good.

Max Schapiro (Sept. 10): Last, and most certainly not least, we come to Max, whose birthday is today and who was really the inspiration for this entire post.  I have been told that I have the kinds of children who, even as teenagers, make other people want to have kids, and I can see why that would be the case. Max is sweet and caring and warm and altruistic; he will spend hours talking to a troubled friend (or mother) and will fret endlessly when someone he cares about is having a tough time. Max has an amazingly good sense of humor, and as he’s gotten older he has gotten more adept at tailoring it appropriately to the audience and situation, much to the delight of his friends and family. Perspective has also played a major role in Max’s hobbies, and it has been a delight to watch his talent and determination as a filmmaker grow and develop. He is a gifted and effortless writer (much to the annoyance of his sister), and his youthful laissez-faire attitude about his schoolwork has been replaced with a recognition of just how hard he has to work to do as well as he would like…without going overboard!  Max and I share a love of horror films, an abiding appreciation for people as a species, a shameful obsession with bacon… and a bond that makes my life so much happier and richer and more full of joy that I often can’t believe how lucky I am to be Max’s mom. I love you, MaxieMoo.

I have other friends/family with September birthdays, and if I left anyone off of this list and you’re reading this- feel free to comment and accept my apologies in advance.  So to Sally, Alana, Amber S, Mike Gliedman, Deirdre, Louisa, Pauly, paksie, and Katina… happy belated/early birthday and many, many more! 

Death of a Friendship

“Friendship is love with understanding.” That’s a fortune (from a long-ago consumed cookie) that sits on my desk at home. I contemplate this little bon mot with fair regularity, going back and forth as to whether or not it’s true. In my mind, love is sort of friendship *plus*- friendship with that added, ineffable something that makes it extra-special. But this statement implies that it’s actually friendship that has an added ingredient- understanding. So is that to say that we don’t have to understand our loves to the same degree as we do our friends? Or is it saying that because with love we already have bonus components (physical attraction, nesting, whatever), understanding is the thing that makes friendship special in its own right? I don’t have an answer to this…

I’ve actually been writing this post in my head since I decided to create a blog. Those of you who know me (and that’s most of you, though since Ben Nadel so kindly linked to my blog in a post last night - The Girl Who Broke My Heart, And Made Me a Better Person -some of you may not know me at all. Welcome! – but don’t be looking for ColdFusion programming stuff here; it’s all my kids, cooking, books, movies, and emotional stuff) know that being a good friend is one of the most important things in the world to me, right behind being a good mother and a good teacher (and these days, since I’m not working, it’s getting second-billing). But it seems particularly fitting to be writing this blog from my hotel room in NYC, home to the only two friendships I can honestly say I killed or did my best to cause to expire (hence the title of this post). No, it wasn’t a side effect of the cold, cold city; in both cases, it was wholly my own bad judgment and a rarely-demonstrated totally self-serving side to my personality. I have ended quite a few friendships in my life, because of disagreements over fundamental ways of being or because I recognized that the friendships were too unidirectional or unhealthy for me in some way. But these two friendships I am going to tell you about are the only times I can recall where I truly, truly regret my actions and their aftermath- the demise or critical injury to a friendship I should have valued and cherished more.

I actually ran into both of the other parties involved in these friendships this weekend, oddly enough. The first is a story some of you will know, having had to stay neutral in the bloody aftermath of the friendship fallout. Without going into too much excruciating detail, E. and I were inseparable for several years during the Buffy days. A few of our mutual friends marveled that two women with such big, strong personalities could be so close and not try to constantly steal the spotlight from each other. But there was such a core of genuine caring, honest affection, and a feeling of having someone who actually *got* me/her that it overrode any of the more petty, competitive feelings which might have arisen. At least, it did for a while. And then, of course, a guy entered the mix and all bets were off. This person (and in his case, I think I use the term fairly loosely) had nothing but his own agenda in the forefront and if actively playing E. and me off of each other fed his ego, advanced his means, and got him what he wanted…well, what was wrong with that? But let me be brutally honest here- this was MY fault, not his. I didn’t have to let him urge me to talk trash about E. or to try to manipulate me into dealing with her in a way which was disrespectful of both her professional standing and our friendship. I actively allowed myself to be encouraged to behave in that way, and though I will say that E.’s response was similarly unkind and self-serving, you have to keep in mind that she was being equally manipulated by this Machiavellian character on her end. It took me a while to recognize that this was my doing and that continuing to finger-point at him was weak and would deprive me of the one positive thing I could take away from this: learning from my mistake. But here’s the part that still kills me: I learned! I recognized what I’d done wrong, I worked it all through, and I apologized. I accepted the total blame I owned, and I asked to be forgiven. I wasn’t. E. and I have seen each other from time to time (including Friday night) since we still have many mutual friends, and she has always been very affable and appropriate…but it’s not the same, and the few times in the more recent past that I have reached out to her she hasn’t responded. I understand that; it’s certainly in her best interest not to trust someone who let her down so horribly in the past. But when we were sitting together chatting on Friday and started completing each other’s sentences the way we used to when we were friends…well, I was struck full in the face by how much I’d lost. Regret is a terrible thing.

And that brings me to the other friendship I mentioned earlier. That one is on life support right now, and extreme measures have been taken to try to save it…but to be honest, I’m not sure that’s going to happen; and it’s probably going to be a long, long time until there actually is a definitive answer. Interestingly, this paragraph probably would have looked a lot different had I not totally serendipitously run into this person on the street a couple of hours ago; we had a perfectly normal, friendly conversation about all of the stuff we used to talk about when we were talking more regularly (and in spite of the fact that we didn’t plan on seeing each other while I was in town). Unlike with E., I had much more of a sense that this was something that *could* be repaired, saved, maybe even made better given time and – most difficult for me- some patience. I know some of you reading this who know what I’m talking about are shaking your heads right now and silently cursing my total lack of self-protection, but sometimes you just have to believe that *I* actually know what I’m doing where I am concerned (sometimes ;-). Friends are the mirror through which we see our own best reflection, and when you meet someone who reflects back on you a version of yourself that is so close to your ideal, it’s worth taking a few hits to the gut (and heart) to stick with it.

There are myriad quotes about friendship, from Sun-Tzu’s “Keep your friends close and your enemies closer” (dangerous and not really all that pleasant) to Aristotle’s “What is a friend? A single soul in two bodies” (romantic and existential, but more of a statement on love in my opinion). But this is one of my favorites (and not just because I said it ;): A friend will tell you what you want to hear; a good friend will tell you what you don’t want to hear. So, friends, let me hear it – what does friendship (ours and any others on which you care to comment) mean to you?